DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT
by The Joe and Gromit Show
Summary: Gromit: Dante and Vergil are seven years old and destroying the house. Chapter 1 is bad ignore it. Please R&. Chapter 8 up. Yeah a new one. No I wasn't dead... Really...
1. Chapter 1

Hi this is me. Me and my Friend share a screen name so this is actually my first fic. You maybe heard of me in my friends fic (Check out chp 4 of the ingenious the one the only "Yet Another DMC Parody"). I'm the one obsessed with shiny stuff. Please review and be nice. tell me should I continue at it, or are my fics rubbish?

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Devil May GROW UP AT SOMEPOINT DAMMIT!

"Dante ,Virgil and Sparda Please STOP!". They stopped. Then there was a dull thud as the chandelier hit the carpet. There was silence as Eva stared round the room at the scene of total devastation which at one point had been the living room. The décor ,the ornaments, and the urn which had contained the ashes of Sparda's mother in law ,which he swore was an "accident" had been wrecked .

"My god" cursed Eva ."

Hmm" said Virgil studying his early birthday present a brand new stopwatch. "Begging after half an hour" announced Virgil to the somewhat empty room. "A new record". Dante grinned proudly and even Sparda smirked slightly . "Dante……..Virgil…..Room" Rasped out Eva .Dante and Virgil jumped up and ran to Virgil's room. "Oi!" yelled Sparda "Go to Dante's room" Grinned Sparda evilly .

Both boys Whined

"But muuuuuuum" said Dante

"I can't go in there" Shrieked Virgil "Dante's touched it" Sparing a moment to kick him he shrieked "It's unsanitary."

"Ow!" Screamed Dante "wait until I get my hands on ya, ya little pipsqueak "

And the two brothers sprinted upstairs Yelling their heads off. Sparda waited a few seconds until the scuffling noises came as they so often did from upstairs and made Eva a strong cup of tea ."What are we going to do?" said Eva sadly "we can't go to Sarah's wedding like this, it'll be auntie Muriel's all over again. That could be summed up by saying that both Dante and Virgil had found the wedding cake and after that the wedding had been ruined. Dante had then destroyed all the banisters by sliding down them Virgil trampled the brides dress in the mud and they had, somehow blown up an entire wing of the hotel

"We have to distract them" said Sparda, his eyes light up "Pets" he yelled "that's it. Tomorrow on their birthday we'll bring 'em into the pet store." He grabbed a bottle of wine and proposed a toast "To a Peaceful life he said happily"

authors note; PEACEFUL LIFE MY ASS!

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More to come? I really don't know. It's up to you. WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE (I think I've made my point)

Review, tell me I'm good ( also a genius like me often suffers from depression, please do something stupid and tell me!) author will not accept liability for damage to self, property or other human beings real or imaginary


	2. Ch 2

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CH 2

_The Store_

_Disclaimer: I don't own DMC or any of the characters .Phew! Got THAT off my conscience. EAT THAT LAWYERS AND POTENTIONAL SUERS!_

_Sorry last one was so short. It seemed massive when I wrote it first. I forgot to put spaces in between the lines like Joe._

_Also please note that our fics shall begin with Joe or Gromit. (Gromit's my name) That way you'll be able to tell the difference. And he won't be bombarded with complaints and corrections for my awful fics (thanks to those that said it was ok, it really helped) Hmm I wonder if there is a limit to the size of authors notes? Heh Heh y'know it looks pretty massive from here (for those that even chuckled at the big massive thing "sicko!)"_

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There they were in Derick's pet shop.

Vergil was staring around in wonder at the snakes and tarantulas.

Dante was nibbling a mouldy dog treat that had fallen on the floor.

Vergil opened his mouth pointing at a large snake

Eva went white

"You said we could have any one thing we wanted" said Vergil delicately

"Not snakes" said Sparda coming unexpectedly to Eva's aid "You can't distract yoursel- I mean play with a snake"

"Ok" grumbled Vergil

"PUPPIES!" shrieked Dante

"Cool" said Virgil bounding over the shop passing a parrot who told him that the parrot and Vergil's momma had got intimate.

Virgil ignored him and set his eyes on a small alsatian puppy.

Dante was already holding and petting a small playfull beagle who was licking his face

"I'm gonna call 'im Tenner"

"Huh?" said Vergil "Tenner's a silly name for an alsatian"

"But Tenner's a beagle" said Dante patiently

"Yeh but were not getting him" said Vergil annoyed "We're getting Gladius" gesturing at the happy alsatian in his arm

"Tenner"  
"Gladius"  
"TENNER"  
"GLADIUS"  
Dante stamped his foot

Vergil tore a packet of dog treats in half and hurled the contents on the floor .

Dante stopped yelling long enough to scoop up a pedigree treat tooth cleaner "you brush your teeth why doesn't your dog?" stick it into his mouth then launch himself at his brother

One of the loudest and most damaging fights began.

They knocked cans off shelves, tore open bags and accidentally set free the wrath of the bunnies out of their hutches who immediately assaulted the outside display of the next door "vegetable store!

_Cool! I'm a poet and I don't know it! (sorry got a bit carried away I HATE that joke!)_

For those that like fish, the fighting lad's went nowhere near the tanks.

Plus all the rats were eventually found (One in the lady's bathroom of the Osprey hotel, enjoying the spectacle of seven lady's shrieking while atop those white shiny bowls who would not get down even when he had gone to another room to sleep.)

When Sparda and Eva had paid for the damage they decided to let them have a dog each.

"Muuuuuuum" said Dante beseechingly "Can I get these treats with my own money"

"It's ok honey ,Mommy and Daddy will buy all the food and things for your new pets" said Eva planting a kiss on his head.

"Their not for Gladius or Tenner" he grumbled

On the way home after Mc Donald's Dante and Vergil used the suck up technique were they say to their parents that they've made the rite decision and that they will look after them themselves.

"You don't have to worry about a thing" said Dante

At these words, for the first time in two millennia Sparda looked scared.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch3

The Family's Awakening

_I'll try not to ramble on about to much this time, I'll just say I don't think you read my cleverly disguised subliminal messaging. Do I have to repeat myself? gsdgyduier subliminal message: R&r! tqyxyq. There, last time I checked I only had two reviews! Even if your nice and you know it's crap please send me proof you actually read it! (send any ideas for the devils future adventures) disclaimer: for chp 1&3 I don't own DMC or any of it's characters neither do I own Oasis or any of it's songs **Also please note they are still in the car**_

Gladius and Tenner were both asleep in their respective owners arms.

Dante and Vergil had decided not to wake them up again.

It was soon time for the usual argument to begin yet again.

"Stop humming!" said Dante

"Stop whistling!" said Vergil

"Muuum Vergil's on my side"

"Daaaad Dante's on my side"

"Vergil's looking out my window

"Dante's kicking me"

"Make him stop!" they screamed.

"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

"Shadup" said the tired looking Sparda

"Look you've had a good day can we have a bit of piece for just FIVE MINUTES !" Yelled Eva

"It's not my fault" they both grumbled  
"Well it's not our fault" said Sparda

"I never said that" said the two brothers "He did"

"You"

"No you"  
"Your dead"  
"Oh yeah?"

"YEAH!"

The two parents sighed with relief as the quieter sounds of a wrestling match emitted from the back seat.

Sparda turned on Oasis's "Wonderwall"and they sang along happily.

Gladius woke up and barked excitedly at the site of the two boys who fought viciously punching and kicking still in their seat belts.

Tenner woke up too and the two dogs play bit and growled at their masters.

Dante and Vergil sat up not wanting to hurt their dogs.

"There, have you finished?" said Eva

"Yeah mom we promise to take care of our dogs and nothing bad will ever happen in this car again..." said the lads in perfect unison.

Then Gladius crapped all over Vergil.

Dante was about to laugh when Tenner barfed on Dante.

There was a small silence then Dante and Vergil, inhaling the disgusting fumes, vomited into the front seats .

"Pull over" said Eva wearily to Sparda

It was nine days later.

The house was fractionally covered with dog crap.

Eva was starting to panic .

Dante was teaching Tenner how to eat "Fun With Maths"

Vergil was training Gladius how to "sick 'em" on Eva's mannequin wearing her old wedding dress.

Unfortunately both dogs were making enormous progress .

At dinner time the two boys had managed to convince Sparda that the dogs should sit at the table too.

Eva reached out to the pepper shaker.

"Gladius wants pepper" said Vergil snatching it and pouring it onto Gladius's food.

Eva turned her attention to the salt.

"Tenner needs salt" announced Dante swiping the dispenser and sprinkling salt on his dogs pedigree chum.

( Eva had wanted to buy the cheaper tesco brand but Dante had insisted that pedigree chum tasted better, Eva didn't ask how he knew, she pretended she didn't know and that Dante just had a special skill with these things)

Eva noticed that the dispensers were in front of her, she reached out…..

"SPARDA WANTS SALT AND PEPPER" said Sparda, grabbing them.

Eva cursed under her breath.

"Muuuuum" howled Dante "Vergil kicked me under the table.

"Liar!" yelled Vergil "YOU DID"

Then Tenner scrambled onto the table, off his chair and began dining (and drooling) on Eva's plate.

"THAT'S IT" screamed Eva "One of these smelly dirty animals needs out of this house!"

"Sorry, boy said Dante leading Tenner to the front door .

Five seconds later Dante found himself chained by his newly acquired collar, to a kennel .

There was a plate of dog food in front of him.

Dante took a guilty look round him, and began to eat .

In his messy room, Tenner lay on Dante's bed, yawned, and went to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

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Ch4

_First of all thanks to all those who did review. As for those who didn't YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! A question was asked on the review page and maybe some other people didn't understand my less than detailed description of how Dante had ended up tied to his kennel. It was his family who tied him there! Eva figured that Dante was the dirtiest animal there! Sorry to those who didn't think it was funny…….Anyhow if you've any complaints send them to Joe. (Heh heh heh) Yeh he deals with stuff like that. Also thank for all those suggestions they were great. I jest. I got one, ONE. Actually it was an excellent one which I am about to use. I would like some new ones. You know what they say "A bird in the hand is worth- heeey that has no relevance to what we're talking about- yeh shutup .Ok let's make a deal I'll stop typing these authors notes and you stop sending those complaint letters to my reviews page. Deal? HA! I had my fingers crossed **PLEASE READ THIS BIT: DO YOU THINK I SHOULD KEEP WRITING THESE SHORT CHAPTERS EVERY DAY OR HAVE A LONGER ONE EVERY NOW AND THEN? **Disclaimer don't own OPS2, national geographic or Frosties Tony the tiger or my sisters ten euro. (This resides in my money box any way)nor do I own Mc Donalds_

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**DEATH OF POSTMAN, DAY OF DENTIST!**

Charles Riddle enjoyed his life as a postman.

He liked greeting all the sweet children playing with their cute little pets with not a word about world domination.

Then he pushed open the gate at the Sparda household.

He always thought it was a strange name but he'd heard the man was foreign.

He nodded at a large bunch of small kids clustered around that chap called Dante who was sitting at a stall collecting money next to a sign reading **My dog will eat your Homework!**

Then he made the supreme mistake of ringing the front doorbell.

The door swung open to revile Dante's small twin dressed in one of his father's suits.

Charles had to assume it was his fathers because it was at least seven sizes to big for him.

"So we meet again Mr Bond" growled Vergil "For the last time, I'm afraid"

"No li'l boy" said Charles good naturedly "I'm the postman"

Vergil held up his hand to stop the guards firing their machine guns.

For some STRANGE reason Charles did not seem to acknowledge the inescapable danger he was in.

Vergil called for silence. "Let Mr Bond have his little jokes" he smirked.

"Can I see your mother?"

Vergil's face darkened "So you had to bring my mother into this? I was going to let you off with a caution but now your dead. Burn in hell!" Then he turned to an invisible character on his left .

"Relies the hounds"

He changed position in the door frame and was now a military leader .

"RELISE THE HOUNDS!" he roared and ran to the kitchen returning with a half grown Gladius running at his heels.

"Sic 'em!" said Vergil

Gladius ran at the fat little postman and bit into his ankle.

Charles threw what little dignity he had to the winds and with a screech like some form of school girl he fled hurling his mail sack on the ground.

Vergil inspected the mail bag with interest.

"Score!" he yelled. "The newest issue of "National Geographic"

Gladius barked proudly and the two bounded up the stairs and lay on the bed to read.(or in Gladius's case bark excitedly at the pictures.)

Dante came in with a full stomached Tenner and noticed the mail sack.

He dumped the contents on the floor, seized a package with his name on it

"Alriight!" he yelled "OPS2" he also returned to his bedroom his dog at his heels.

A moment later Sparda entered the hall, picked up the massive pile of post and began to riffle through it.

In the kitchen he announced "Bill, bill, bill, bill trash, bill, bill…."

"What?" said Eva who was drinking her early morning coffee .

"Loads 'o bills" said Sparda

"Look, twenty four electricity bills, nineteen over due book notices and sixteen different parcels of various description. Plus one "I love my Wife Magazine" and three Play Dude magazines- wait what did I just say?

"I love my wife?_** Bor-**ing_.

He carefully stashed the Play Dude magazines up his shirt for safe keeping.

They soon found out what had happened. It did however take most of the morning to sort out the mail and deliver it to it's respective owners.

When they had finally finished they proceeded to open their own letters.

"Oh look" Eva said to Dante who was eating his Frosties while attempting to stare down Tony

"You have your monthly check up with Doctor Caverty"

"What?"

"Your dentists appoint-"

"No, no, no, no, NO!" screamed Dante "Do'wanna go, do'wanna go DO WANNA-"

"Come on Dante ya big chicken." said Vergil scared of a doctor are you?"

"Well at least one of my boys is brave and knows how to behave" said Eva "but you're not going to the doctor your-"

"Notgoin notgoin notgoin!" howled Dante

"I must argue!" shouted Vergil clutching the banisters as his parents attempted to prize him off it.

"I also do not wish to-"

"Do' wanna, do' wanna do' wanna"

The two boys sat in huffy silence in the back seat of the car.

"Cheer up you two it's only for an hour" said Sparda. "If your good we'll bring you to Mc Donald's on the way home."

"No fair" grumbled Dante "I LIKE Mc Donald's"

"Do you have an appointment?" said the lady behind the desk.

"Yeh" said Vergil

"And you got one too: IN HELL" spat Dante

"Aaaaaaaaaaw isn't he sweet?" said the assistant coldly "Go into the waiting room, top left"

"Thank you" said Eva

They entered into the room.

It was what you'd expect old uncomfortable chairs, old magazine's and dirty babyish broken toys.

Vergil sat down and read some back issue's of national geographic.

Dante reached towards the old toys with a bored expression.

There was silence as the family waited. Then there was a tinkley little tune a boing and then a "Boing" and Dante collapsed on the floor shrieking with laughter.

"TryHaHA HAT-T-T-TRY T-THAT!" he said waving a hand at a jack in the box.

"Hmmm" said Sparda winding the handle and then snorting with laughter .

"Man this place is Great!" said Dante I'm glad that we're here-"

"Dante and Vergil Sparda?" said an assistant.

"Nooooooooooooooo!" he howled "Craaaap"

They were dragged into the surgery.

Vergil was held to the chair first and had his check up.

Dante explored around for a while.

Then he found the drills

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh"  
howled Dante as Vergil got off the chair.  
"He's trying to kill me"

He gestured at the Dr.

"Mum, Dad save me" he screamed

They moved towards him and grabbed his arm.

"Vergil? Help?"

"It's really not that bad, Dante" said Vergil

"Oh GOD! You've become one of them! What have you done to my brothers you cow!" he lashed out kicking the dentist.

"Mind control devices? Hypnosis? Torture"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He was held down in the chair .

"Open your mouth" said the doctor.

Dante did so grudgingly

The dentist put a gloved finger into Dante's mouth.

Dante bit down hard.

The dentist's finger bled even through the glove.

"Quick Mom Dad run while we have the chance."

His parents did not move.

"Damn you, you evil TWAT! You've taken them all! How many other happy families have you ruined?"

"Dante sit still" said Eva "Our minds haven't been taken over."

"He'll need to have that one out" said the doctor.

Dante waited while the dentist prepared an injection. Then he approached.

"What's that?" spat Dante "A mind control chip

implanter?"

"Anaesthetic" said the dentist.

"Ha! Yeh I'll believe that!"

He stuck it in his mouth and injected.

It tasted disgusting.

"Yeh I'm too smart for mind control, so yer gonna kill me with poison."

"I shall have my revenge for my family,** Hee-YAH!"** he pulled his hand out of his mothers grip. At the same time as the dentists gripped the tooth he snatched the injection gun and jabbed it in the dentists rear-end.

He stud up with a yelp and Dante's tooth came with it.

"Wow said Dante proudly "I saved you all, yeh you all owe me a great service"

"Mom since I was good can we go to Mc Donald's?" said Vergil.

"Oh all Right" said Eva and the car spun round and roared through the traffic lights and into the sunset


	5. The Wedding

_**ANOTHER LARGE AUTHORS NOTE**_

_Yeah this one took a while. I'm almost back at school so chapters will be coming in slow. This is my last day so I'll get as much in as possible._

_Thanks for all those that read and a special thanks to those that reviewed. _

_So here I am in my room listening to the "JCB" song and I'm thinking this is great to type and enjoy it instead of playing PS2 or watching TV._

_**Why did I title this another large author's note when it's shorter than the others? **Must be cause I got less stuff to ramble about. Thanks again for reading. (Damn I had a good idea for this but I forgot it, don't you hate it when that happens). Disclaimer: I don't own Bacardi._

_I will not accept liability for damage caused by children attempting to copy any character in any chapter in any story at any place time I sound like that guy in fear factor **DAMN** I disclaim that too._

**The Wedding**

"Yeh, I'm gonna wear this"

Dante was staring at the reflection in the mirror.

"This is horrible, wats a "Ring Bearer, I hate these clothes and who's aunt Sarah?"

"Dante they're not horrible, I think you look very nice. Your aunt Sarah is my sister, and a ring bearer is-"

"Does it have something to do with pretending to be a bear?" asked Vergil raising his arm and scratching Dante with his short clean nails.

"A bearer you twat" said Dante.

Then he bit Vergil, also pretending to be a bear.

He didn't get the chance to correct Vergil often and he made the most of it.

"S'like that time you said Eskimos live in the sea and dual sharks to the death."

"Dante, that was you."

"Oh…. Still funny"

"Dante Eskimos are descendants of the great hunter intuits who still dwell in igloo's"

"Another mistake" thought Dante, this must be my lucky day.

"Eskimos don't live in igloo's that's dolphin-"

"If you say "That's dolphins" again I'll hit you"

"But they-"

"Dante, remember that time you said that dolphins are allowing drugs to fall into the hands of children and all the while are secretly plotting to undermine us"

"Yeh, well I was rite wasn't I?"

"We- what?"

"They're gonna-"

"Shut up"

"Bu-"

"Shut up"

"Awww, no fair"

"What does being a ring bearer actually involve, mother?"

"You carry the wedding rings on a little pillow for the bride and groom."

"Make 'em carry their own wedding ring, we're not going and that's final"

They were on the plane going towards Barbados.

It was almost time for the wedding.

Dante and Vergil were watching an eighteens movie on TV, Eva was asleep and Sparda was complaining to the air hostess about the movie about, mistakes like how "Severed heads don't spin like that" and that "The gate of hell has more flame.

"Wow" said Dante there's a shark in the water"

"Dante, that's the shadow of the plane"

"Oh"

"There's Barbados, it is one of the most-"

Dante turned to watch the movie.

They had arrived at the hotel.

Dante and Vergil were in one room and Sparda and Eva in the other.

When they had unpacked they sat on the bed and Sparda flicked through the channels.

Eva found a leaflet with the prices of room service.

They studied it.

"Awesome" said Sparda "A mini-bar."

Reading further he said "Look at these prices" he said grumpily

"Fifty for a bottle of Bacardi They gotta be crazy!"

"Oh god" said Eva "A mini bar, with alcohol, at high prices!"

"Oh no"

They ran through the hall and opened the door with the spare key-card.

They were long too late.

Dante and Vergil lay on their beds groaning.

Bottles of Bacardi lay on the floor, most full but some were half-full.

There was coke on the floor too and crisp packets, all over the room.

"H-h-heeeyyyy" said Dante "_Hic"_

"F-f-f-fuh-unny story" said Vergil.

_Please assume their devil powers stopped them from getting sick._

The Bride and Groom had arrived.

It was time for the wedding and Dante and Vergil were dressed, ready and complaining.

"I look like a complete twat!" said Dante

"So do I, well not as bad as Dante but-"

"Hey!"

"Just sit still and stop whining" said Sparda.

"We don't whine, we **complain**!" said both the boys delicately.

They arrived at the church early so as to practice.

"Now you hold this pillow-"

"What pillow?"

"This one, now carry it along with these rings atop-"

"These rings?"

"Yes, those rings, then you march up there and-"

"That way?"

"YES! THAT WAY!"

"Mkay."

It was time.

Dante and Vergil were bored and complaining about their parents and about how they

"Do' wanna be there"

As the assembly stood up "Here comes the bride" played loudly.

Dante and Vergil stood bored and waited.

Vergil took a ring and put it on.

"This is my power ring" he said threateningly.

"With this I can control demonic power"

"This is mine" howled Dante.

"It is twice as powerful as yours"

"No fair, mine's better 'n yours."  
"Mine"

"Their both the same. But with two I can easily destroy this universe. Give me yours"

"Never! Only battle will prove the strongest!"

"Agreed"

They hurled themselves at each other.

In imagination they rose into the air Dante covered in red light, Vergil in blue, and fought.

"Don't they look sweet" said Eva looking at Philip and Sarah.

"Meh…" said Sparda, he was eyeing the holy water nervously.

"Didn't you buy the wedding rings?" said Eva.

"Yeh…"

"Where'd you buy 'em"

"Uh… round and about."

"But where?"

"Well… See…I didn't have much cash on me so-"

"You got them in the demon world didn't you?"

"Yeh but don't worry it can only enhance the power of devils or half demons or something make 'em devil trigger.

"Oh good."

" _Phew "_

"Where are Dante and Vergil? They should be here by now"

"Oh… the rings" said Sparda looking over his shoulder.

Eva turned around too.

Outside Dante and Vergil were told to scatter confetti lightly in front of the immerging bride and groom.

Both boys hurled the stuff in the their faces.

It was time for photos.

Dante and Vergil were extremely proud when Sparda told them what had happened.

They stood by the non heated pool.

The photographer stood ready.

Dante and Vergil wanted to be at the front, in the middle.

The bride and groom stood in their places.

They Had to go.

As the camera flashed the bride somehow fell in dragging her new husband with her.

In the photo now resides two wet boys in the middle as a large splash explodes behind them.

As the adults danced in the special room Dante and his brother explored the pantry.

Cake, cake, cake.

"Dibs this half"

"Yeh I'll have these".

All the cakes were either ruined because they were eaten or (when the boys ate too much) were vomited upon.

Then they went to the bar and ordered twenty-seven cokes.

Naturally they put the bill on the room.

Then they went to the dancing room.

Vergil "Ballroom Danced" with the other adults.

Dante started a mosh with his cousins.

They stayed up till two, until they went to sleep in the warm arm chairs.

On the way home Dante only woke up once on the way home to ask: "Can we be ring bears again sometime, before going back to sleep.


	6. The one with a title

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Authors Note

_Yes it's been ages since I last wrote in. Sorry to all those that reviewed. For all those that didn't you can kiss my shiny metal … Plate. (Forgot this is "**k**" rated) 'See I was writing my chapter and it was crap so I didn't really want to keep going. It was only today that my friend suggested this. Thanks CaTmAn. Disclaimer: I disclaim any thing that aught to be disclaimed anything that no one has heard of belong to me and you can't use 'em. (I will sue you) My godfathers a solicitor and I've always wanted a swimming pool. (**Be warned I-- have already said that hmmm)** I'm bored can I start the chapter now or will youkeep interrupting….. But why did you say that then? Oh cripes just shut up and let me start. (Please note I was looking at Joe's reviews). Someone told him that I write **well, but have nothing on him. Whoever you are I will not accept a review (even if you send one I will not acknowledge its existence) from you. You hurt my feelings. Oh yeah I'm a boy, HA I'm not allowed to have feelings. **_

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_**The Boy That Cried Mom**_

2am

Dante: Mom!

Eva: What!

Dante: I had a little accidement.

Eva: Ok honey I'm getting up

3am

Dante: Mom I want a drink!

Eva grumbled and got up, tripped down the stairs and went back to sleep.

Dante went to the kitchen picked up some ice cubes and dumped them on his mother before retuning to bed.

4am

Dante: Mom!

Eva: What!

Dante: Oh false alarm. I was just seeing how fast you'd react. Five seconds. You're getting rusty.

5am

Dante: Moooom!

Eva: Yes?

Dante I had another accidement. I spilled my drink on my pyjamas. Now I need new pants and a drink!

Eva: Ok I'm getting up.

5:08 When Eva has just managed to get back to bed.

Dante: Mom!

Eva: WHAT!

"My throat is sore"

"Oh, my poor boy, are you sick? Where's the pain?"

"I just told you idiot, my throat's sore"

As Eva made a fuss of her youngest neither of them noticed Vergil walking past them carrying what looked suspiciously like a remote to a doomsday device.

He also had a line to the world leaders.

Eva walked out to get Dante some medicine

She knocked into Vergil and he dropped the remote.

In space, a satellite swung around and began to charge pointing at New-York.

As the laser began to charge, hundreds of missiles from all over the globe racing towards it.

As the first one connected the explosion light up space and each army leader saw that it was protected by a force field.

Then, when all hope was lost, a bottle soared through the air from the general direction of Ireland and jammed the on-bored laser condenser.

The whole thing blew up in a wonderful eruption of flame.

Down in Ireland a teenage by was staring up in the air, having a brake from writing his fan-fic.

I drop my second bottle and return to my room to type.

"DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL" howls Vergil returning to his room.

"You'd better get some good sleep tonight Pinky" he continued to his faithful lab-rat.

"Why Brain?"

"We'll be busy tomorrow night Pinky."

"Wha'll we be doin t'morrow noit Brain?"

"The same as we do every night Pinky TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"

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At the doctor things went more smoothly than usually.

Vergil read while Dante bit a frightened two year old and jumped on the seat.

When it was their turn to go to the doctor Dante was examined said "Aaaah" when he was told and bit everyone a bit more.

"I'm afraid he'll have to have his appendix out" said the doctor.

"What?" said Vergil "You mean his tonsils, you insufferable fool!" as he examined Dante's records.

"You aught to neuter him too" said Sparda rubbing his arm with a bight mark. "Might stop him being so savage"

* * *

Dante was bawling his eyes out.

He was in a large cage used for animals as Vergil had refused flat-out to stay in the same seat as Dante so he was trapped.

Vergil had at one point woken up from a nap and thought that Gladius was inside.

He had foolishly inserted his fingers.

Vergil now also needed to get into the hospital because he needed heavy bandaging.

Sparda was insisting that Dante should get a rabies injection too.

Dante still did not know he was not going to be neutered.

Sparda was very happy.

He was also unaware that Dante was not going to be neutered.

They went to Mc Donald's to try and cheer both boys up.

It was now Vergil's job to insert French fries into the cage.

He got two in, gave up and ate the rest himself.

* * *

At the hospital Dante was given a room near the play room and Vergil was given the one beside him.

It was Vergil's turn first and he spent the first twenty minutes criticising their method of bandaging, the next suggesting higher standards for life support system.

* * *

Dante looked in the mirror at his tonsils.

Sadly, he bit the doctor as hard as he could for the last time with his full mouth.

They quickly turned on the knocked out gas.

For his last seconds Dante stared at a very attractive nurse.

He and his family didn't know that sometimes you speak exactly your own mind.

Out Loud.

"Man" said Dante staring at the nurse "She's hot, I'd like ta-"

Then he went to sleep.

* * *

Vergil was walking by an operation theatre when he saw a doctor saying "Dammit, he's gone"

"Stand back" said Vergil reaching across to the body.

"Excuse me, little boy" said the doctor.

"Shut your face you abomination of a bovineish looking organ and circuitry system with the severe deficiency of attraction in the facial region giving a humorous appearance of faeces"

"He means "Shut up you big, fat cow with a face like shi-" said Dante.

"Scalpel" said Vergil, sweating slightly "Needle…In my pocket, there's a highly advanced laser cutter"

On the life support system there was a dull

Bleep…Bleep…Bleep, as the heart rate increased.

Vergil was celebrated as a hero and rushed about saving at least seven people.

Dante sidled up to a doctor and announced "I'm as good a circermaple smistem surgeon too"

Dante was given a job at a dying patient.

"Err…scalpel…anaesthetic … football … basketball. Telly"

"What are you doing?" said a nurse.

"And just as a matter of interest we're going to try and stick this cotton in too."

The nurse now saw that Dante had somehow managed to cram all of the objects under the patient's skin and that his heart had given out a long time ago.

* * *

Dante was now grounded to his room.

Vergil arrived soon with a new co-op PS2 game.

They played for an hour then decided to watch TV.

Dante turned on a nature program about the worlds most poisonous snakes.

Both boys watched happily for a while until Dante accidentally turned on a cartoon.

Dante did not turn it off.

"Dante put that back on" said Vergil.

Dante instinctively grabbed the remote.

Vergil grabbed the other end.

They fought was viciously over it kicking and punching until they reached the balcony.

Vergil fell over the other side.

He was still holding on to the remote.

Dante held the other end.

"Don't let go" howled Vergil "You can have it."

"Oh yeah" said Dante "Maybe I don't want it"

Dante was easily seduced by reverse psychology.

This usually helped his family in arguments.

Sometimes however, this was a disadvantage.

"I'll give you anything you want"

"I do' wannit" said Dante, and thinking he had just won an argument, he let go.

* * *

Vergil lay with his leg in a cast in, a trolley bed.

Dante decided to cheer him up.

"Come on" said Dante

"Let's play Racing Driver"

Using the bed like scooter, the two boys raced along the corridor at brake neck speeds, knocking things and people flying.

This exhilarating race ended abruptly when Sparda turned the corner intending to visit his sons.

The resounding crash shook the entire building.

It was just plain bad luck Sparda had been climbing the stairs.

* * *

Eva walked calmly into a room containing Dante Vergil and Sparda in full body casts suspended from the beds they were in.

"**Don't** laugh" said Sparda resentfully "Don't even chuckle".

* * *

_This authors not would be blank if I wasn't here telling you that this authors note would be blank if I wasn't here telling you that this authors note would be blank if I wasn't here telling you that this…etc etc!_

_Also I swear if I don't have at least fifteen reviews by the time I bring out the next one I'll stop. I MEAN IT. If you're just reading this please just type one word like good or crap. How long will that take! I have eight hundred and something hits and eleven reviews._

_Even send a flame I don't care just REVIEW!_

_**PLEASE!**_


	7. The Finer Diner that Actually Isn't

**The one that took Longer than the Others**

_This one took forever. Sorry to my many (few) readers. However since I posted my last chapter I rose from 13-24 reviews. It seems my threat to stop unless I got more reviews. You all sent more than I'd asked for. Was it out of the goodness of your hearts that you sent 'em? (Snort) Any way my threat stands._

_If I don't get at least 20 reviews than I'll stop._

_That's great; you've no reason to review._

**_DO IT ANYWAY. _**I disclaim Pinky and the Brain.

_You see, it's my birthday so I'm a bit busy (**SEND REVIEWS AS PRESANTS**) I have to escape birthday beatings. I'm in Trouble with a capital "T" and an "R" not to mention an "O" and a "U-B-L", just not an "e"._

_Prepare for a more pathetic, a boring an average (just as always) chapter of_

**_DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT DAMMIT AND THIS TITLE IS TAKING LONGER THAN IT SHOULD. IT JUST IS!_**

**The Actual Chapter Because Nobody Has Actually Read the Carefully Written Authors Note**

**It Has However No Name. This is it.**

**_THE FINER DINER, THAT ACUALLY ISN'T_**

_**I AM ENJOYING MY CONTINUED WRITING IN THESE LARGER AND MORE INTERESTING LETTERS.**_

_I'm going to have to stop for a while I can hear a crazy noise and It's starting to creep me out._

_It's a kind of electronic ring like, the noise of silence. I think it's my computer._

_No it's my light bulb. Screw it. Gotta type this chapter.

* * *

_

_**The Finer Diner that Actually Isn't**_

_Way! I've started!_

"What! No it's not fine" said Eva.

"I can't believe you called us this late"

Eva was talking to the baby-sitter.

This baby-sitter was so traumatized from her last visit she hadn't realised who had rang her up to engage her services.

She had just discovered where she was going and had _suddenly_ felt sick.

Dante, last week, had turned her homework into first a hanger for paper aeroplanes.

It had then become a toilet.

Vergil had reduced her to a shivering wreak by giving her a kindly lecture on the worlds most poisonous spiders not to mention the biggest.

He had tried to cure her of her fear by showing her a non-poisonous tarantula his friend gave him.

Eva slammed down the phone.

"Great, just great!" said Eva to Sparda.

"Hmmm?" said Sparda.

"The baby-sitter can't come"

"OH NO!" screamed Sparda.

"We've been planning this dinner for months"

"So? We'll be fine!" said Dante genuinely insulted.

"What do you think we're going to do, seriously injure each other, tear the house down, and get arrested?" said Vergil.

"Ha! That's a good one" chortled Dante "Huh Dad!"

"Yeah… Ha Ha." said Sparda, uncomfortably.

"We can't leave them here!" whispered Eva franticly. "They'll blow up the house"

"But we have to go to dinner" squeaked Sparda.

"My boss will kill me if I don't turn up!"

"There's only one way to do this" said Eva "We'll have to bring them"

"Besides we'll be there, we can keep control of them just as easily as we can here"

Then they jumped over to try to stop the boys fighting over who would actually win the fight if they were arrested, destroyed the house and seriously injured each other.

"'Ello" said Dante to Sparda's boss Mr Penwin.

"Bonjour Madame" said Vergil to Mrs Penwin kissing her hand.

They sat down.

Dante and Vergil sat together and Vergil translated the bigger words on the menu.

You are most probably thinking that I am speaking about words such as like "Veil with button mushrooms"

However they were reading the children's menu.

This did not last long.

Dante had decided that everything on the menu was too cheap.

It was now stuck in a chandelier in the form of a paper aeroplane.

They picked up the wine list and Proper Menu.

When the waiter came the boys managed to order, not only the most expensive thing on the menu but also a bottle of Beaumont des Crayers champagne.

Dante decided he needed to go to the bathroom and Vergil followed him.

As Dante sealed himself into a cubical and began to read a comic, Vergil took out a second Doomsday device remote.

Picking out his favourite targets, (London, New York, Sydney, Tokyo etc) he activated his undetectable nuclear missiles.

A fat man pushed open the door and knocked into Vergil.

The controller fell into the urinal and the self-destruct button clicked.

"Haw! Sorry li'l boy, how much d'that cost, I'll give you the balance."

Vergil smiled.

He held out a disintegrator ray.

The man screamed once.

Vergil left the bathroom 756.26 dollars richer.

Dante came out, dried his hands (Don't ask they got wet ok?)

He did not wash them.

When leaving Dante noticed a vending machine he attempted to buy a packet of polo mints.

He pressed the wrong button.

Dante returned to the table holding what he thought was a balloon.

It was white and tubular and slightly see through.

Dante and Eva paled when they saw it.

_**Important note: I've changed the rating.**_

**_You ether get it or you don't_**.

"Look" crowed Dante.

"Wow" said Vergil "You gotta Big-Boy balloon."

"Yeah" said Dante "S'like that one wat you had Dad, when you and your drunken friends brought me 'n Verg to "the Girls Girls Girls club" on Friday".

"WHAT?" howled Eva.

"Now, now Eva" whimpered Sparda "We have guests."

Eva decided to kill Sparda when his boss wasn't around.

The waiter arrived relieving the table of its unpleasant silence.

Serving the boys last Vergil said "Merci Garcon" with a beautiful French accent.

"Yeah mershi Gatson" with a slightly less beautiful accent.

The waiter did not appreciate being called boy in French, especially by snotty little boys who-

Vergil merely looked at his meat for about two minuets then howled "Garcon, this meat is undercooked."

The waiter returned and, grumbling took Vergil's plate away.

Dante felt slightly left out.

He looked at the meat.

Do' la-ik Ih" said Dante sounding like that guy on Little Britain.

The waiter took Dante's meal and replaced it with sausage and chips.

Dante, who was by now feeling very important about refusing things, merely shrieked "This are yocky" he refused to take bite of his meal.

He did however bite the waiter.

Then, to Sparda's rage they both ordered four helpings of "Death by Chocolate" (Which is probably the nicest tasting desert anywhere)

Dante was getting bored, and with a skill born of lots of practice, he stole Sparda's wallet and wandered over to the claw machine.

Five minuets and two-hundred dollars later, Dante had not got his prize and he was getting **very** cross.

Dante decided to brake the machine and it was at this point Sparda appeared.

"Eep" said Dante

Sparda, instead of giving out boasted of his skills in Demon high school of the thing.

Five minuets later Sparda had spent another two hundred dollars, but had, at last managed to grab the "Super Devil Warrior action figure".

"Here ya go son" said Sparda, handing it over proudly.

Dante looked at it dispassionately at it for a moment then announced "That's not the Prize I want."

Leaving his father broken and shocked by the machine Dante re-entered the restaurant.

The Desert had by now arrived and Dante and Vergil were both full.

Then they got bored again and rode the dessert trolley down the stairs.

All through the chapter the boss began to change.

At first he had been a moody old grouch but now he was all smiley.

"Mr Sparda" he said chortling "I've enjoyed myself so much tonight you're boys are simply hilarious. I'm going to promote you"

* * *

They were on there way back and for some strange reason the two felt ill.

They both vomited all over the windscreen.

Sparda crashed the car.

"Great" said Sparda "Even with my promotion it'll take forever to pay for repairs. We won't be able to eat out for ages."

"Hooray" said the parents.

"Aaaawww Maaaannn" said the two boys.

* * *

_That's that done please review and I am still open to new Ideas. Until next time!_


	8. Chapter 8

**Authors note**

_No... Way. It has been a year. A whole fricken year. It's my birthday yesterday. You no what? I am going to write it now anyway. I've no excuses. I'm just really lazy. Hear we go!_

_ONWARD!

* * *

_

**Devil May Grow up at Some point Dammit 8?**

Dante gazed fixedly down the scope of the BB gun at a small child outside his window.

His face, a mask of concentration was flat to the rifle.

Gently, his practiced finger curled around the trigger.

Bang!

The gun snapped in half.

Dante grinned cheerily, only to become the receiver of a shoe, thrown at him with high speed.

He fell from the windowsill with a bump and turned to look at his brother.

"What?" he stated. He was far from angry, as flinging shoes was Virgil's usual method of communication.

Virgil wordlessly hung out a toy catalogue.

Dante's eyes widened. There, in front of him, was the coolest bike he had ever seen. In the picture, a boy and girl were riding them.

The boy and girl looked happy.

"Wow!" He breathed.

"We gotta have one each." said Virgil, sharing things was barely done in the Sparda household and usually culminated in the tragic destruction/death/or toilet flushed of the poor object.

"Yeah..." said Dante, reading the add. "Look, it says it comes with everything in the picture... He stroked the picture of the girl.

"I am going to do you gooooooood..." he purred.

Virgil hit him.

"Dante, you no very well that they're..."

"Yeah" said Dante gazing sadly at the picture. "Girls is diseased... A boy can dream though. A boy can dream."

Virgil, who had already had money from the previous chapter, still needed $11.99 for the bikes.

They sat disappointedly outside.

"It'll take us forever to get that much money" whined Dante. "We can't use dads credit card again or "I'm grounded mister"

Virgil leaped to his feet.

"I know" he said delightedly "We'll sell lemonade!"

They set up a small stall outside their house.

Soon after, their uncle jogged by.

"Gee" he said cheerily "I'd sure love some lemonade!"

"Its 11.99 each" said Dante.

"Dante!" scolded Virgil "You can't sell it like that. It's to expensive"

"75 cents cup" stated Virgil.

The man paid and picked up a cup.

"You see, this is why you're never going to be a successful business man" said Dante.

"I always have to do all the work" he continued. I made the stall, I made the sign, and I put the salt in the lemon juice I made..."

"You mean lemonade" said Virgil.

"No." said Dante. "Lemon juice"

They both glanced up to see the jogger throw back the glass and down it in one.

His face promptly turned inside out. He fell to the floor rasping.

"See?" chirped Dante massaging the man's throat to help him swallow "It's good huh?" He was putting slightly too much pressure on the jogger's windpipe.

"_I... Gotta... Heart... Condition... Need... HOS-PIT-AL._

"Have-some-more?" said Dante "Sure that'll be 75 cents. And you thought I did it wrong." chortled Dante at Virgil. He Fished Out the man's wallet and took $11.99.

"Here" said a proud Dante pouring the remaining lemon juice into the poor mans mouth.

The man shuddered and then lay still.

Dante realized something was amiss. His eyes filled with tears.

"Did... I... Do... Some... Thing... Wrong?" he whimpered.

"No... No... No" said Virgil trying not to panic. "We have the money and that's the important thing"

They dragged him to the sand box.

"Dig!" he screamed.

Dante and Virgil dug feverishly.

After several minutes they stepped back to admire their handy work.

The man's entire ankle was now submerged in sand.

"The perfect crime" said Virgil evilly "No-one will ever know!"

Eva returned from getting her groceries and spied the two boys digging furiously in the sand box.

Having memories of previous sand wars, she moved cautiously towards them.

"What are you doing?" she enquired.

"Just... Playing" said Dante innocently.

Eva smiled.

She was so totally delighted at her to boys finally getting along, she said: "Wonderful" and returned to the house, completely failing to realise a dead man with his foot covered lightly with sand was accompanying the two boys in their play.

Dante and Virgil were left alone.

"Ok" said Virgil in a voice of forced calm "Dante: We tell no-one, no-one"

"Ok..." said Dante.

They stood there fearfully, realization flooding through them. They had committed mur-

"Let's go get our bikes!" said Dante

The jogger was forgotten.

* * *

They turned up at the store, feeling very proud.

They had: $800 and they needed $795. They had $5 extra.

Dante turned to the man at the door who held the door.

"Thank you boy" he said tossing the man 10 dollars.

Virgil punched the man and took back the 10 dollars.

Dante sniffled.

They walked towards the bike area.

Dante convinced Virgil to let him buy some sweets.

Eventually they returned to the counter, haling the bikes with them.

"That'll be $795" said a pimply teenage clerk with braces.

Virgil handed over the money.

"I'm thorry thith doethn't appear to be the right amount."

"What!" said Virgil, shocked

"Dith ith only $794" he said, enjoying the sense of power refusing the boys their purchase.

"Dante!" said Virgil in a voice of forced calm. "Exactly how much did you spend on the sweets?"

"$6 dollars" said Dante thoughtfully "So if I take that away from $800 then... Then..."

"Yes!?" said Virgil livid.

"Then we have now... Two thous- Hey we got an increase!"

Virgil decided to destroy Dante at a later date

"Listen... Sir" Virgil said furiously "Either you give me these bikes or I'll-"

"Do wath?" said the clerk nastily "Watths a thix year old going tho do with a theenadyur?"

Virgil shot him twice.

"Let's go" he said to Dante.

Dante and Virgil wheeled their newly acquired bikes home.

At dinner they told their parents that they had won the bikes in a competition.

Dante had wanted to tell them the truth, and had just been about to, when Virgil pointed out a nearby urinal cake in order to distract him.

While Dante munched on the tantalising treat, Virgil explained his winning nuclear physics projects until he had said sufficient big words which were unknown to his parents, to bore the hell out of them both and the matter was therefore dismissed.

* * *

They strapped on their helmets and stood proudly beside their bikes before fellow amazed children.

Several girls were forced to leave via a passing garbage truck.

Two boys marched up to them. They were fat, and big, ugly and freckly.

"Those bikes are cool. To cool for you" one said.

"No I believe that I am adequately funky in order to operate this vehicle" said Virgil proudly.

"Eh yeeaaahh" said Dante slowly "ANY-hoo whats it mean to you bee-atch?

"Ya wanna race for em?" said the second boy equally astounded at Virgil's large vocabulary and lack of coolness.

"Eh no" said Virgil "Why the hell should we do that. We wouldn't get anything for winning, and your both twice our height, would make better speed, and you have nothing to loose. We have good bikes which I will not risk for anything. Besides I bought them both. So Dante wouldn't either. You tell 'em Dante!"

"A race" said Dante "Yes, tomorrow at 5 o clock! See ya tomorrow losers!"

When they left Virgil decided not to kill Dante until after the race.

* * *

"I guess it's time to practice!" he said cheerfully.

They set up camp at the edge of a lane.

They both placed their feet on their pedals, pretended to rev engines, and...

Virgil and his bike fell over into the dust.

Dante and his bike promptly did a U-Turn into a nearby ditch.

A small voice came from a particularly nasty briar patch.

"Virgil?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you know how to ride a bike?"

"No."

"Oh. Damn.

"Yeah."

* * *

_Listen this one was reeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaallllllyyyyyyy short but part two is coming soon! _

_Meow!_

_GromitMcHugh_


End file.
